Influenza, anyone?

I woke up on Monday to find myself feeling not so great. After realizing that it wasn't your typical "morning sickness", I curled up on the couch and hoped that it would pass soon. I knew something was not right when I started to get light headed and short of breath. A few times, I thought that I might pass out. I was so weak, I couldn't even pick up the kids. I spent my time between the bathroom and couch.

I had an ultrasound scheduled that I didn't want to miss, so I mustered up enough strength to get myself and the kids dressed. (Don't worry- it only took me 1 1/2 hrs) I then loaded them in the car, barely, and said a prayer. I didn't ask to feel better, but to help me not crash the car on the way to the hospital. My dear sister got to the hospital and took the kids, and I slowly made my way up to get the ultrasound. The baby is great, and getting bigger. I am still in shock that I have a baby growing inside of me, so seeing the baby on the screen helped.

When the doctor came in to go over the ultrasound, she asked how I was feeling. I told her not well. I explained that I had been throwing up all morning and now felt really weak. I was short of breath at that point and when I took my heart rate, it was at 120 bpm- after laying still for 20 minutes on the table. She quickly did another scan and said that she thought I had the flu and I should probably get checked out. She left to call my midwife, so I curled up in a ball on the table and nearly fell asleep. She came back to say that I needed to go the ER to get examined b/c of my fast heart rate, shortness of breath and possible dehydration.

Once I got to the ER and into a room, I just sat in the wheelchair- too weak to even get up in the bed. The doctor came in and asked a million questions. I could hardly keep my head up so he left and sent the nurse in to get me started. She helped me into bed where I got changed, she drew 4 vials of blood, started the IV, and then got me a warm blanket to cover me. I was then wheeled down to x-ray to see if anything was wrong with my lungs. After that, I crawled back into the bed, asked for another blanket and said that I was nauseous. The nurse came back and gave me some anti-nausea medicine in my IV, and then brought back some morphine b/c of the pain I was in from being so achy. I was hooked back up to the heart monitor and BP cuff and pulse/oxygen level. After that, a man came in and sucked out some snot out of my nose to check for infection. I laid back in the bed, wanted another blanket as I was shivering from being so cold. At some point, the nurse changed the bag of fluids and helped me get up to go potty for a urine sample. The doctor came back and said that I had Influenza Type A, which is viral- so NO meds for me to feel better. There is a medicine that will shorten the duration of time you have the symptoms, but since I am pregnant, I couldn't take it. By now, Scott had been in and out with the kids and had been given some tylenol to bring down my fever. Once I had finished the 2nd bag of IV fluids, they discharged me with some prescriptions for more anti-nausea meds and pain killers.

Although I don't feel like I did on Monday, I am still feeling weak and am now pretty congested. I am praying that this doesn't go to pneumonia (I guess there is a chance...) and that I can get on with life. I have done nothing but lay on the couch for 2 days with Duncan and Carrie on the other couch. Scott has been so wonderful to help out in picking the house up at night when he gets home from a long day at work. I have now eaten my 2nd full meal since Sunday night- and haven't thrown anyting up.

I don't think I have ever felt so sick before in my life! I would have rather been in labor on Monday, then felt how I did. I hope that none of you have to experience what I did, as it just plain sucked! Well, I am off to making Carrie a sandwich. Hopefully I don't get too winded from the task! :)

Frustrations

I have been dealing with feelings of inadequacy and failure for the last few days. It seems as though people are concerned with only telling me what I am doing wrong, or how to do something better. Am I overreacting, or is there validity in their statements?

I can't get over the fact that maybe I really am a bad mom... Carrie is still in diapers; her hair isn't in cute bows; Duncan can't sit still; we hardly ever make it through church without a melt down; my house and car are usually not clean; I'm behind on laundry- all the time; I let my kids watch too much tv; my kids usually end up in my bed at night; I let Carrie sleep in and the list could go on...

I have been trying hard to let the comments roll off of my back, but they don't ever end. I ended up in tears yesterday because of something I hadn't done right with Carrie and Duncan. As I have talked to Scott about it, he reassures me that I am a great mother, and appreciates all I do with the kids.

So, I started to think about what I may be doing right with kids. They love to say their prayers, and remind me of when we need to say them; Carrie and Duncan (for the most part) aren't rude and say please and thank you; I hear "me loves you" all day long; Carrie has been able to get herself dressed since she was 2; they both would rather hear Primary songs than Disney music; they love going to see temples; they make me laugh all day long, etc...

So, forgive me if my kids noses are running, or if they don't go to bed in their jammies. I am NOT perfect. I am learning to be a better mom. I am trying to figure out what works and what doesn't. I'm sorry that my house is messy, but at the end of the day, I love my kids more than I can explain, I am trying to raise them to love the Lord, and hope that despite my shortcomings and faults, people know that my family is the most important thing to me. Maybe one day, when I grow up- things will be different. People won't be so critical, and I won't be so sensitive about it. Until then, I'll keep trying my best to be a good mom.